So, I actually came back to post in less than a month! Are you shocked? Anyone... anyone... Ok, so maybe there is no one reading this, but that's ok - I've found that it is theraputic to get all of this out and if someone find this and it helps them understand or get through something similar, then it's worth it. Really, it's been worth it to me anyway!
So, we had the family over for Thanksgiving and sure enough, my M-I-L did it again... Last weekend she was whining that we didn't want her to spend a ton of money on my step-daughter for Christmas, since she already has everything she NEEDS and she doesn't NEED a laptop... "But she's my only grandchild..." I didn't say anything, though, as much as that hurt... We've been trying for over four years and encountered only failures - don't remind me that she is your only grandchild. But we explained to her why we didn't want her spending all of that cash on the kid and I thought she got it. And then they were here for Thanksgiving and she said it again... I just couldn't let it go this time and I thanked her for rubbing my failure in my face and I left the room with a slam of the door... I know we are still in the game, but we haven't told her about the last two procedures, since she shared the news of my miscarriage with the whole family, so we got pity phone calls and I REALLY didn't want any more of those. We also haven't told them that we have someone to surrogate and we won't be telling anyone else until the first trimester is over. My closest friends know and next week my doctor and accupuncturist will know, but that is it, which is hard for me, since I have a REALLY big mouth and tend to overshare. I guess that is where you come in... I can overshare with you to my heart's content!
So, back to my M-I-L, my F-I-L came upstairs to ask me to come back to the kitchen - she was sorry and wanted to talk to me. The truth is, I wasn't all that upset, it just pisses me off that she always says shit like that and thinks she can get away with it, but heaven forbid we say something slightly off to her... So I gave her a taste and she didn't like it. But, I went back downstairs and she apologized. The good news is, my F-I-L knows that she is having problems - I don't know if it is dementia or alzheimers or something else, but there is definately something wrong with her, but she won't get help... he went to talk to the doctor today, about her, and I am hoping that they will get her in to evaluate her, so we can get a handle on whatever is going on with her. I would like her to be here to meet her next grandchild, but I worry that she won't make it that long.
No new news on the surrogate stuff... I see the doc a week from today and I have been carrying my list of questions around: Will I be able to use my own eggs? How do we do this when we live in two different states? Does he know an attorney that can help us draw up the agreements so this will all be legal? Does he know a doctor in her state that can do stuff on that end? Should we transfer more than one? So many questions and I am afraid I will forget something important!!! Maybe they have a surrogate handbook somewhere - that would be cool. Maybe I will have to put one together after this is all over... Or maybe that is what this blog will be!
Well, time for bed! Good night!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
This is the first Thanksgiving in years that I really feel like I have something to give thanks for. So, even though she may never read this, I want to give thanks to my friend K, for being willing to give us the greatest gift anyone could ever give us! I love you more than you will ever know and your generosity just blows me away. I can only hope to find some way to pay it forward, since I know you don't want me to pay you back... You will always be in my heart and part of my family! :-X
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I'm the worst blogger ever
Ok, so I haven't been here in a long time... Do I need to tell you that we failed? After the negative result I didn't think I was ever going to come back... I was so heartbroken that the sight of a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby was enough to make me want to crawl back into bed an sob. Thankfully, no one I know has gotten pregnant since then. And then I got a birth announcement. My oldest and dearest friend was due in November and she sent me a picture of her new baby girl. I had been having a good day and the sight of her baby just made me cry. Not exactly the reaction a new mom would be hoping for, but fortunately, she couldn't see my tears through the e-mail. I e-mailed her to congradulate her and told her that we had failed and were done. She e-mailed me back, telling me that she was so sorry and that she would say a prayer for me.
Well, folks, that must have been one hell of a prayer... I'm not pregnant, but a close friend called that night and offered to be a surrogate for us! Thinking about that call last week, still brings tears to my eyes... I can't believe how lucky we are! I've had people say "Oh, I'll surrogate for you" only to say seconds later that they are kidding... You can't kid about something like that - you just can't. Another friend said she has thought about it, but she has not had any children, so she isn't an option. This friend has three children and is healthy. She is in the medical field, so she knows what is involved and she is willing to give us this gift! Of course, the first step is her offer. Now I have to go back and see my doctor to find out how all of this works. We live in different states, but both states support surrogacy. My mind is reeling and I have to wait over a week to see my doctor... I'm hoping my eggs are healthy enough to use. I'm hoping I don't get fired for taking the time off I will need to do all of this, since I would prefer to have the transfer done where she lives, since I don't want her to have to travel after the transfer, plus, I don't want her to have to take any more time than she needs to for this. I just want to make this as easy as I can for her, since she is doing something so huge for us!
Funny thing is, I'm not a religious person... But that prayer came from someone who is... And I am forever grateful to her for this chance!
Well, folks, that must have been one hell of a prayer... I'm not pregnant, but a close friend called that night and offered to be a surrogate for us! Thinking about that call last week, still brings tears to my eyes... I can't believe how lucky we are! I've had people say "Oh, I'll surrogate for you" only to say seconds later that they are kidding... You can't kid about something like that - you just can't. Another friend said she has thought about it, but she has not had any children, so she isn't an option. This friend has three children and is healthy. She is in the medical field, so she knows what is involved and she is willing to give us this gift! Of course, the first step is her offer. Now I have to go back and see my doctor to find out how all of this works. We live in different states, but both states support surrogacy. My mind is reeling and I have to wait over a week to see my doctor... I'm hoping my eggs are healthy enough to use. I'm hoping I don't get fired for taking the time off I will need to do all of this, since I would prefer to have the transfer done where she lives, since I don't want her to have to travel after the transfer, plus, I don't want her to have to take any more time than she needs to for this. I just want to make this as easy as I can for her, since she is doing something so huge for us!
Funny thing is, I'm not a religious person... But that prayer came from someone who is... And I am forever grateful to her for this chance!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
On to today...
So, I started thinking that instead of going back, I should just tell you what is going on now.
Last Sunday I was ready... At 6:30 we were at the hospital for the egg retrieval. I was bloated, my abdomen was sore and my breasts were killing me, but it was time. Hopefully this would be the start of being a mommy! They gave me my Valium - I really love Valium! It really does well taking the edge off...
The doctor told me that they were going to use ICSI on all of the eggs. I was surprised, since we hadn't had a problem with fertilized eggs before, but then I realized that DH had NO idea what ICSI was! I know from all of the infertility blogs I've read - all of you sharing your stories with me, helped me learn what to expect. So, instead of letting the doctor explain, I told him that they were going to inject his sperm into my eggs, to maximise the fertilization.
They took me into the room and the anesthesiologist hooked into my IV. The last thing I remember is him telling me that what he was putting in might be warm. The next thing I know, I woke up crying. Not sure why, but I remember DH giving me a tissue and holding my hand. I think I dozed off again and the next thing I knew, they were telling me that they had gotten 12 eggs and they were checking to see how many were mature. So, since my part was done, they sent me home to sleep it off and wait for the results of how many eggs were mature.
We went home, and I crawled into bed. A few hours later, I woke up, and unlike last time, I felt fine - a little sore, but I didn't wake up, eat and go right back to bed, like I had the first time. Then the doctor called to tell me that all of the eggs were mature and that they would all be injected with sperm and someone would call me the next day to let me know how many eggs had fertilized. I spent the rest of the day relaxing and hoping that we would have a day five transfer!
Last Sunday I was ready... At 6:30 we were at the hospital for the egg retrieval. I was bloated, my abdomen was sore and my breasts were killing me, but it was time. Hopefully this would be the start of being a mommy! They gave me my Valium - I really love Valium! It really does well taking the edge off...
The doctor told me that they were going to use ICSI on all of the eggs. I was surprised, since we hadn't had a problem with fertilized eggs before, but then I realized that DH had NO idea what ICSI was! I know from all of the infertility blogs I've read - all of you sharing your stories with me, helped me learn what to expect. So, instead of letting the doctor explain, I told him that they were going to inject his sperm into my eggs, to maximise the fertilization.
They took me into the room and the anesthesiologist hooked into my IV. The last thing I remember is him telling me that what he was putting in might be warm. The next thing I know, I woke up crying. Not sure why, but I remember DH giving me a tissue and holding my hand. I think I dozed off again and the next thing I knew, they were telling me that they had gotten 12 eggs and they were checking to see how many were mature. So, since my part was done, they sent me home to sleep it off and wait for the results of how many eggs were mature.
We went home, and I crawled into bed. A few hours later, I woke up, and unlike last time, I felt fine - a little sore, but I didn't wake up, eat and go right back to bed, like I had the first time. Then the doctor called to tell me that all of the eggs were mature and that they would all be injected with sperm and someone would call me the next day to let me know how many eggs had fertilized. I spent the rest of the day relaxing and hoping that we would have a day five transfer!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Slacker
Ok, so I admit it, I'm a slacker. I kept finding myself thinking about my blog, but not having the energy to write. So, I'm going to try to make a long 8 months worth of stories short.
We went to our appointment with our fertility doctor. I had to be at work by 10:30, but our appointment was at 9 - no problem. At 10, we were still sitting in the room, waiting for the doctor. I told DH to let them know that we needed to leave by 10:15, since I had to be at work and the staff informed us that the doctor hadn't even shown up to the office yet... We had been sitting there for over an hour and no one had bothered to tell us... So, we walked out. I cried all the way to work. Poor DH had no way to comfort me, since he was so pissed, too. I called by OB-GYN to find out the name of the doctor that she had been talking to me about and she called me right back. I told her what had happened and she couldn't believe it. At least if she is running late, they have the courtesy to tell you! So, she gave me Dr. W's number and I called at got an appointment for two weeks after being stood up by Dr. K. Then I called and left a message for Dr. K to call me back. Which he did. So I got to tell him that I was firing him and why. And he really didn't seem to give a shit. Surprising? Not really. He seems to be one of those doctors who thinks he is above the rest of us. But I did enjoy firing him! :)
So, in February, we went to see Dr. W. We spoke to one of his nurses first - went over the files that we got from Dr. K's office (after filling out the paperwork 3 times and going down there to pick the records up myself, since I don't trust them...) and my medical history and then they had us speak to the person who handles insurance claims and then the doctor came in to talk to us. He looked over my history and was surprised that Dr. K had never tested my blood sugar levels, since it is common for women with PCOS to have funky (I think elevated, but I can't really remember right now) blood sugar levels and if those are not controlled, it can lead to a miscarriage. Now, I am sure some of you out there are not shocked by this, since you may have already known, but I was VERY shocked by this! I kept asking Dr. K if my PCOS could be part of the issue and he assured me that it was not. Then, after 5 minutes with Dr. W, I am being told that I might not have miscarried IF Dr. K had tested me and done something about my insulin levels... Plus, Dr. W is a big fan of accupuncture, unlike Dr. K, and he was very pleased when I told him that I had been seeing MC for accupuncture for over a year. Then we formed our game plan. The first was the glucose test - to see if my levels are wonky. Once that was delt with, we would use the frozen blastocysts from my previous IVF.
At last, a plan... I love Dr. W!
We went to our appointment with our fertility doctor. I had to be at work by 10:30, but our appointment was at 9 - no problem. At 10, we were still sitting in the room, waiting for the doctor. I told DH to let them know that we needed to leave by 10:15, since I had to be at work and the staff informed us that the doctor hadn't even shown up to the office yet... We had been sitting there for over an hour and no one had bothered to tell us... So, we walked out. I cried all the way to work. Poor DH had no way to comfort me, since he was so pissed, too. I called by OB-GYN to find out the name of the doctor that she had been talking to me about and she called me right back. I told her what had happened and she couldn't believe it. At least if she is running late, they have the courtesy to tell you! So, she gave me Dr. W's number and I called at got an appointment for two weeks after being stood up by Dr. K. Then I called and left a message for Dr. K to call me back. Which he did. So I got to tell him that I was firing him and why. And he really didn't seem to give a shit. Surprising? Not really. He seems to be one of those doctors who thinks he is above the rest of us. But I did enjoy firing him! :)
So, in February, we went to see Dr. W. We spoke to one of his nurses first - went over the files that we got from Dr. K's office (after filling out the paperwork 3 times and going down there to pick the records up myself, since I don't trust them...) and my medical history and then they had us speak to the person who handles insurance claims and then the doctor came in to talk to us. He looked over my history and was surprised that Dr. K had never tested my blood sugar levels, since it is common for women with PCOS to have funky (I think elevated, but I can't really remember right now) blood sugar levels and if those are not controlled, it can lead to a miscarriage. Now, I am sure some of you out there are not shocked by this, since you may have already known, but I was VERY shocked by this! I kept asking Dr. K if my PCOS could be part of the issue and he assured me that it was not. Then, after 5 minutes with Dr. W, I am being told that I might not have miscarried IF Dr. K had tested me and done something about my insulin levels... Plus, Dr. W is a big fan of accupuncture, unlike Dr. K, and he was very pleased when I told him that I had been seeing MC for accupuncture for over a year. Then we formed our game plan. The first was the glucose test - to see if my levels are wonky. Once that was delt with, we would use the frozen blastocysts from my previous IVF.
At last, a plan... I love Dr. W!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!
Ok, so I am a happy camper today - it is the last full day of GW in the White House and I can't wait until he is a FORMER president.... It's time for someone completely new to step in and see if he can't shake things up. Will the next four years be better than the last 4 years, I have no idea, but I am happy to give President Obama a chance!
Anyway, onward... So, we have an appointment with the fertility doctor next Thursday and I am on 36 of my cycle. Since my chemical pregnancy, I have been VERY reguar with my periods, until now. DH wants to wait to take a HPT, but I convinced him to buy one today, but I haven't opened the box yet. I kept asking DH what he thinks that we should wait for - does he REALLY want to go to the doctor next week and be on day 46 of my cycle, without taking a test??? I don't, but at the same time, I am scared to take the test. I am going to wait until tomorrow morning to take it - I have been drinking too much today and I don't want to take a chance at the test not being accurate. Wouldn't that just be a mind fuck - after everything we have been through, I get pregnant without any meds or doctor's help! HA! I'm not the religious type, but if I am pregnant, it would be a Christmas miracle!
And we have another member of the "I'm going to be a mommy" club at work! A group of people were talking in the lunchroom when I heard someone ask her how far along she was. I happened to be walking out with her later in the week and congradulated her when she told me that they really didn't plan it... It's always the ones who aren't planning it that this happens to... She just got married in October and by the end of the month she was pregnant. Not that they were expecting problems, since she already has a child, but you never know. I didn't cry over this one. And I found out before I thought I could have been pregnant, when I should have had PMS and it SHOULD have sent me over the edge, back into the bathroom, crying my eyes out. Maybe I am pregnant. I have been having some mild nausea the last couple of weeks. I can only hope. Testing tomorrow...
Anyway, onward... So, we have an appointment with the fertility doctor next Thursday and I am on 36 of my cycle. Since my chemical pregnancy, I have been VERY reguar with my periods, until now. DH wants to wait to take a HPT, but I convinced him to buy one today, but I haven't opened the box yet. I kept asking DH what he thinks that we should wait for - does he REALLY want to go to the doctor next week and be on day 46 of my cycle, without taking a test??? I don't, but at the same time, I am scared to take the test. I am going to wait until tomorrow morning to take it - I have been drinking too much today and I don't want to take a chance at the test not being accurate. Wouldn't that just be a mind fuck - after everything we have been through, I get pregnant without any meds or doctor's help! HA! I'm not the religious type, but if I am pregnant, it would be a Christmas miracle!
And we have another member of the "I'm going to be a mommy" club at work! A group of people were talking in the lunchroom when I heard someone ask her how far along she was. I happened to be walking out with her later in the week and congradulated her when she told me that they really didn't plan it... It's always the ones who aren't planning it that this happens to... She just got married in October and by the end of the month she was pregnant. Not that they were expecting problems, since she already has a child, but you never know. I didn't cry over this one. And I found out before I thought I could have been pregnant, when I should have had PMS and it SHOULD have sent me over the edge, back into the bathroom, crying my eyes out. Maybe I am pregnant. I have been having some mild nausea the last couple of weeks. I can only hope. Testing tomorrow...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas my @$$
So I finally got in to see my OB yesterday. I really like her - she is worth the trouble of getting an appointment with her. I had gotten myself all ready to talk about the whole failed IUI and IVF thing - the chemical pregnancy and just feeling like a total and complete failure for my appointment the day before Thanksgiving, but when I arrived for the appointment, Dr. M had gone to perform surgery on another patient and there was no one else that could see me... So I was given an appointment just in time for my period to show up last week and when I called, they gave me the appointment for yesterday. I geared myself up to talk about the failures of the last year and I thought I was prepared. And then the nurse started asking me questions and I lost it. They let me sit for a good 20 minutes after she left before Dr. M came in and asked even more questions, which just made me lose it all over again. I told her that our plan is to use the 4 frozen blastocysts (ok, so I think two may not have reached the quality of blastocyst, but the doctor froze them anyway) or at least use whatever survives the thawing process - if all 4 survive, all of them are being transferred. If we aren't successful during that cycle, we are changing doctors and using the fertility clinic that is affiliated with Dr. M's office and hospital. She said that there are two doctors there - one man and one woman. She told me that she has had some patients who have had issues with the female doctor - apparently they don't like her personality. I told Dr. M that I don't really care about her personality - I care if she can get me knocked up! So, I have a plan that I am ready to implement, and while I was drained from the appointment, it felt good to have been able to discuss everything with Dr. M and know that I have her support.
Then, we had a gathering on my floor today - wine and snacks served in honor of the holiday and I noticed that my partner in crime at work asked for the non-alcoholic wine... And I couldn't help but look at her stomach and noticed that it seems bigger (although, in her defense, she is VERY thin, so it could have just been her lunch!), so after we got back to our desks, I asked her and she confirmed that she is pregnant. She hasn't even been to the doctor yet. I didn't ask when she got her positive - I know that she and her husband have been trying for a few months and I know she has been disappointed to get her period a few times. She will be going to the doctor in the middle of January - she says it doesn't even feel real yet. I think she is relieved that I figured it out and she won't have to find a way to tell me. And, while I am really happy for her and I told her so, I am also insanely jealous, which I also told her. She hasn't even told her family yet. They are going to be thrilled, just like I am for her. I just wish it were me, too. And since she hasn't told anyone at work yet, I can't exactly say anything to anyone there, so when DH e-mailed to tell me that his dad had some questions for me about the Christmas presents I bought for them to give to us and asked me how my day was going, I told him that it had gone to shit as soon as I figured out that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, as soon as he e-mailed me, he logged off, so he never got that e-mail, so I got to tell him in person, right before I started crying (again).
And then the stress headache came, so even though I am SO tired, I couldn't fall asleep because I was crying, my nose was running and my neck and head were killing me. The ibuprofin finally kicked in and I realized that the nausea that I was feeling may have actually been due to hunger and not pain, so I came down to get something to eat, so my poor DH can try to get some sleep without me sobbing into my pillow next to him. And here I sit, telling you about my broken heart (or broken uterus), trying to get it all out of my system so I can try to get some sleep so I am not a cranky bitch on Christmas... I shouldn't be too cranky (except for this) I know I am getting some GREAT gifts from my mil, fil & hopefully bil, since I bought their gifts to me. My mil was in a nursing home for rehabilitation after falling and fracturing her elbow and cracking her pelvis (sorry if I am repeating myself - it's late and I have had a long day and I don't have the energy to go back to see if I already told you about this), so I did almost all of her Christmas shopping for my DH, his daughter, my bil and myself. I can't wait to open all of those Cricut cartridges they got me! :) And my bil was out shopping on Saturday and was having some trouble finding something for me, so I told him that I would sell him the remaining cartridge that his parents weren't giving me, if it wasn't over his budget. Happily, it isn't over his budget and I told him that he could go to the tea store in one of the local malls and get me a gift card, so I could get more tea or one of the tea pots I saw there. He isn't the greatest gift buyer for me - he tries, but I am waiting another few months before I put last year's present up on ebay!
Well, I think I will try to go to sleep again. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and that Santa brings you everything that you hoped for.
Then, we had a gathering on my floor today - wine and snacks served in honor of the holiday and I noticed that my partner in crime at work asked for the non-alcoholic wine... And I couldn't help but look at her stomach and noticed that it seems bigger (although, in her defense, she is VERY thin, so it could have just been her lunch!), so after we got back to our desks, I asked her and she confirmed that she is pregnant. She hasn't even been to the doctor yet. I didn't ask when she got her positive - I know that she and her husband have been trying for a few months and I know she has been disappointed to get her period a few times. She will be going to the doctor in the middle of January - she says it doesn't even feel real yet. I think she is relieved that I figured it out and she won't have to find a way to tell me. And, while I am really happy for her and I told her so, I am also insanely jealous, which I also told her. She hasn't even told her family yet. They are going to be thrilled, just like I am for her. I just wish it were me, too. And since she hasn't told anyone at work yet, I can't exactly say anything to anyone there, so when DH e-mailed to tell me that his dad had some questions for me about the Christmas presents I bought for them to give to us and asked me how my day was going, I told him that it had gone to shit as soon as I figured out that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, as soon as he e-mailed me, he logged off, so he never got that e-mail, so I got to tell him in person, right before I started crying (again).
And then the stress headache came, so even though I am SO tired, I couldn't fall asleep because I was crying, my nose was running and my neck and head were killing me. The ibuprofin finally kicked in and I realized that the nausea that I was feeling may have actually been due to hunger and not pain, so I came down to get something to eat, so my poor DH can try to get some sleep without me sobbing into my pillow next to him. And here I sit, telling you about my broken heart (or broken uterus), trying to get it all out of my system so I can try to get some sleep so I am not a cranky bitch on Christmas... I shouldn't be too cranky (except for this) I know I am getting some GREAT gifts from my mil, fil & hopefully bil, since I bought their gifts to me. My mil was in a nursing home for rehabilitation after falling and fracturing her elbow and cracking her pelvis (sorry if I am repeating myself - it's late and I have had a long day and I don't have the energy to go back to see if I already told you about this), so I did almost all of her Christmas shopping for my DH, his daughter, my bil and myself. I can't wait to open all of those Cricut cartridges they got me! :) And my bil was out shopping on Saturday and was having some trouble finding something for me, so I told him that I would sell him the remaining cartridge that his parents weren't giving me, if it wasn't over his budget. Happily, it isn't over his budget and I told him that he could go to the tea store in one of the local malls and get me a gift card, so I could get more tea or one of the tea pots I saw there. He isn't the greatest gift buyer for me - he tries, but I am waiting another few months before I put last year's present up on ebay!
Well, I think I will try to go to sleep again. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and that Santa brings you everything that you hoped for.
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