So I finally got in to see my OB yesterday. I really like her - she is worth the trouble of getting an appointment with her. I had gotten myself all ready to talk about the whole failed IUI and IVF thing - the chemical pregnancy and just feeling like a total and complete failure for my appointment the day before Thanksgiving, but when I arrived for the appointment, Dr. M had gone to perform surgery on another patient and there was no one else that could see me... So I was given an appointment just in time for my period to show up last week and when I called, they gave me the appointment for yesterday. I geared myself up to talk about the failures of the last year and I thought I was prepared. And then the nurse started asking me questions and I lost it. They let me sit for a good 20 minutes after she left before Dr. M came in and asked even more questions, which just made me lose it all over again. I told her that our plan is to use the 4 frozen blastocysts (ok, so I think two may not have reached the quality of blastocyst, but the doctor froze them anyway) or at least use whatever survives the thawing process - if all 4 survive, all of them are being transferred. If we aren't successful during that cycle, we are changing doctors and using the fertility clinic that is affiliated with Dr. M's office and hospital. She said that there are two doctors there - one man and one woman. She told me that she has had some patients who have had issues with the female doctor - apparently they don't like her personality. I told Dr. M that I don't really care about her personality - I care if she can get me knocked up! So, I have a plan that I am ready to implement, and while I was drained from the appointment, it felt good to have been able to discuss everything with Dr. M and know that I have her support.
Then, we had a gathering on my floor today - wine and snacks served in honor of the holiday and I noticed that my partner in crime at work asked for the non-alcoholic wine... And I couldn't help but look at her stomach and noticed that it seems bigger (although, in her defense, she is VERY thin, so it could have just been her lunch!), so after we got back to our desks, I asked her and she confirmed that she is pregnant. She hasn't even been to the doctor yet. I didn't ask when she got her positive - I know that she and her husband have been trying for a few months and I know she has been disappointed to get her period a few times. She will be going to the doctor in the middle of January - she says it doesn't even feel real yet. I think she is relieved that I figured it out and she won't have to find a way to tell me. And, while I am really happy for her and I told her so, I am also insanely jealous, which I also told her. She hasn't even told her family yet. They are going to be thrilled, just like I am for her. I just wish it were me, too. And since she hasn't told anyone at work yet, I can't exactly say anything to anyone there, so when DH e-mailed to tell me that his dad had some questions for me about the Christmas presents I bought for them to give to us and asked me how my day was going, I told him that it had gone to shit as soon as I figured out that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, as soon as he e-mailed me, he logged off, so he never got that e-mail, so I got to tell him in person, right before I started crying (again).
And then the stress headache came, so even though I am SO tired, I couldn't fall asleep because I was crying, my nose was running and my neck and head were killing me. The ibuprofin finally kicked in and I realized that the nausea that I was feeling may have actually been due to hunger and not pain, so I came down to get something to eat, so my poor DH can try to get some sleep without me sobbing into my pillow next to him. And here I sit, telling you about my broken heart (or broken uterus), trying to get it all out of my system so I can try to get some sleep so I am not a cranky bitch on Christmas... I shouldn't be too cranky (except for this) I know I am getting some GREAT gifts from my mil, fil & hopefully bil, since I bought their gifts to me. My mil was in a nursing home for rehabilitation after falling and fracturing her elbow and cracking her pelvis (sorry if I am repeating myself - it's late and I have had a long day and I don't have the energy to go back to see if I already told you about this), so I did almost all of her Christmas shopping for my DH, his daughter, my bil and myself. I can't wait to open all of those Cricut cartridges they got me! :) And my bil was out shopping on Saturday and was having some trouble finding something for me, so I told him that I would sell him the remaining cartridge that his parents weren't giving me, if it wasn't over his budget. Happily, it isn't over his budget and I told him that he could go to the tea store in one of the local malls and get me a gift card, so I could get more tea or one of the tea pots I saw there. He isn't the greatest gift buyer for me - he tries, but I am waiting another few months before I put last year's present up on ebay!
Well, I think I will try to go to sleep again. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and that Santa brings you everything that you hoped for.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
So, what next
The last time I spoke to the nurse, she figured that I would get my period at the end of November and the end of December, so I figured I would take those two months off and be in time for the January IVF cycle and we would use what we froze after the last cycle. So, when I got my period almost exactly 28 days after my miscarriage, I was surprised and then again 28 days later. Apparently that is unusual! I was still not quite prepared to get back into the stirups, so I didn't call the doctor's office until this week for a review of the failed IVF and the pow wow about what we will do next. The doctor will be having surgery and will return around the middle of January, so I have an appointment on January 29th to discuss what is next. So, once again, I am being forced to skip at least one cycle (January) and my bet is that we will have to skip February, too, since I don't see much of a way to get me ready for a cycle in a couple of weeks, but what can I do? I think after this cycle with this doctor, we will be going to a new clinic. I will be seeing my OB/GYN this week and will be talking to her about that (unless she is delivering a baby, in which case I will be crying to a completely new doctor, which I am sure will go over REALLY well!)
This will be the 4th appointment that I have scheduled with the OB since this summer. My first appointment would have been the week I was having the IVF, so both doctors offices told me to change the appointment, so I did - to the day before Thanksgiving. When we arrived for that appointment, we were told that the doctor was in surgery and there was no one else and we tried to call you... So, I was given a new appointment for December 16th. Who would have thought that my period would be regular??? But, it arrived on the 15th, so I had to call to cancel. I was told that it was too bad that I had to cancel, since my doctor is booking into March. I told her that it was too bad that I was going back to have another IVF next month, so March wouldn't work and it needed to be this month. It was amazing how quickly she found me an appointment on the 23rd! Of course, my doctor will be on call and there are probably loads of women who will be giving birth, just in time for Christmas, but of course that won't be me...
Amazingly enough, I just finished my Christmas cards last night. Ok, so I really started them last night - we went to the store, picked out a picture and for the first year ever, our family is sending out a photo Christmas card. I was hoping to use a nice picture taken of us in front of Cinderella's castle at night, but the only ones of just us were in the rain and we were kind of dressed in parts of our Halloween costumes, so I nixed that one! We got them printed, addressed and stamped 5 days before Christmas! We have gotten some really depressing ones this year (depressing for me, not for the people sending them). One with lots of pictures of my friend's baby in it and a request for me to call her, since I love talking to people about my inability to get pregnant. Then there is the one from DH's cousin - the husband's hand is on the quickly expanding pregnant belly of his wife. Then, from DH's aunt and uncle, the picture of them, their 6 children and eight grandchildren. The card they sent to my MIL & FIL is just of the two of them with all 8 grandkids with a note about 8 angels and more to come in 2009. I know it isn't meant to be a slap in the face, but it sure feels like one. That is the same aunt who, at our wedding, told me that she expected to be invited to a baby shower soon. That was two and a half years ago. We were REALLY hoping to be pregnant and able to share the news AT our wedding, but we can all see how well that worked out.
I was thinking about the whole situation yesterday, wondering if I should just give up the whole Baby Quest. As much as I don't want to, giving up just seems easier. No more shots, no more invasive doctor's appointments to start my day. No more throwing money downthe drain for something that may never happen... Especially in this economy. DH didn't work for half of October. He went back to work for two weeks before Thanksgiving and nothing since then and they think he may go back in the middle of January, but who knows. We think that my job is safe, but nothing is certain now. And I really don't think that DH would object to just stopping. He has to be sick of all of this. He is likely just going along because it is what I want to do. But, at the same time, I am not ready to give up yet. I thought that I wouldn't be able to do more than two cycles, but with knowing that cycles from frozen are less likely to be successful, I want one more might be successful cycle, which is why I will be talking to the doctor about going to their fertility clinic if the next cycle with my existing doctor fails.
I'm not sure how much I will be able to post during the holidays, although, I'm not sure how many people are following, but in case I don't get back until next weekend, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!
This will be the 4th appointment that I have scheduled with the OB since this summer. My first appointment would have been the week I was having the IVF, so both doctors offices told me to change the appointment, so I did - to the day before Thanksgiving. When we arrived for that appointment, we were told that the doctor was in surgery and there was no one else and we tried to call you... So, I was given a new appointment for December 16th. Who would have thought that my period would be regular??? But, it arrived on the 15th, so I had to call to cancel. I was told that it was too bad that I had to cancel, since my doctor is booking into March. I told her that it was too bad that I was going back to have another IVF next month, so March wouldn't work and it needed to be this month. It was amazing how quickly she found me an appointment on the 23rd! Of course, my doctor will be on call and there are probably loads of women who will be giving birth, just in time for Christmas, but of course that won't be me...
Amazingly enough, I just finished my Christmas cards last night. Ok, so I really started them last night - we went to the store, picked out a picture and for the first year ever, our family is sending out a photo Christmas card. I was hoping to use a nice picture taken of us in front of Cinderella's castle at night, but the only ones of just us were in the rain and we were kind of dressed in parts of our Halloween costumes, so I nixed that one! We got them printed, addressed and stamped 5 days before Christmas! We have gotten some really depressing ones this year (depressing for me, not for the people sending them). One with lots of pictures of my friend's baby in it and a request for me to call her, since I love talking to people about my inability to get pregnant. Then there is the one from DH's cousin - the husband's hand is on the quickly expanding pregnant belly of his wife. Then, from DH's aunt and uncle, the picture of them, their 6 children and eight grandchildren. The card they sent to my MIL & FIL is just of the two of them with all 8 grandkids with a note about 8 angels and more to come in 2009. I know it isn't meant to be a slap in the face, but it sure feels like one. That is the same aunt who, at our wedding, told me that she expected to be invited to a baby shower soon. That was two and a half years ago. We were REALLY hoping to be pregnant and able to share the news AT our wedding, but we can all see how well that worked out.
I was thinking about the whole situation yesterday, wondering if I should just give up the whole Baby Quest. As much as I don't want to, giving up just seems easier. No more shots, no more invasive doctor's appointments to start my day. No more throwing money downthe drain for something that may never happen... Especially in this economy. DH didn't work for half of October. He went back to work for two weeks before Thanksgiving and nothing since then and they think he may go back in the middle of January, but who knows. We think that my job is safe, but nothing is certain now. And I really don't think that DH would object to just stopping. He has to be sick of all of this. He is likely just going along because it is what I want to do. But, at the same time, I am not ready to give up yet. I thought that I wouldn't be able to do more than two cycles, but with knowing that cycles from frozen are less likely to be successful, I want one more might be successful cycle, which is why I will be talking to the doctor about going to their fertility clinic if the next cycle with my existing doctor fails.
I'm not sure how much I will be able to post during the holidays, although, I'm not sure how many people are following, but in case I don't get back until next weekend, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Now that it's over
I still find myself terribly jealous of people who effortlessly conceive. One of the girls that I work with just had a baby and we were entering a charity drawing and she was complaining that she has no money because she has a baby. Before I could stop myself, I told her that I have no money and still no baby to show for it. She knows someone who just had a baby and spent about $30 thousand to do it, so I think she understands, but it just bothers me. Appreciate that you have a healthy and beautiful baby. I would. I am having more good days than bad, though. I wasn't in the mood for Christmas anything a few weeks ago - I just wanted to hide from it all, since I was really hoping to send out ultrasound pictures with our Christmas cards, but the mood has started to infect me, which is a good thing, since my MIL is in the hospital, so I am taking care of as much of her Christmas shopping as I can.
I went to a craft fair last weekend, and was talking to the friend of a friend who has been having trouble. I knew about her trouble from my friend, but I don't know if she knew what we had been through. In many ways, I think her journey has been worse, though. She has endometriosis and had surgery to correct it a few years ago. She recently changed doctors and her new doctor told her that the old doctor didn't do what she said that she did in the surgery, so she had to have surgery again. This time it worked and she and her husband conceived on their own, only to lose the baby at 12 weeks. She is having a really hard time with the holidays and was going to seek out a support group to help her through.
I went to a craft fair last weekend, and was talking to the friend of a friend who has been having trouble. I knew about her trouble from my friend, but I don't know if she knew what we had been through. In many ways, I think her journey has been worse, though. She has endometriosis and had surgery to correct it a few years ago. She recently changed doctors and her new doctor told her that the old doctor didn't do what she said that she did in the surgery, so she had to have surgery again. This time it worked and she and her husband conceived on their own, only to lose the baby at 12 weeks. She is having a really hard time with the holidays and was going to seek out a support group to help her through.
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