Merry Christmas my @$$

So I finally got in to see my OB yesterday. I really like her - she is worth the trouble of getting an appointment with her. I had gotten myself all ready to talk about the whole failed IUI and IVF thing - the chemical pregnancy and just feeling like a total and complete failure for my appointment the day before Thanksgiving, but when I arrived for the appointment, Dr. M had gone to perform surgery on another patient and there was no one else that could see me... So I was given an appointment just in time for my period to show up last week and when I called, they gave me the appointment for yesterday. I geared myself up to talk about the failures of the last year and I thought I was prepared. And then the nurse started asking me questions and I lost it. They let me sit for a good 20 minutes after she left before Dr. M came in and asked even more questions, which just made me lose it all over again. I told her that our plan is to use the 4 frozen blastocysts (ok, so I think two may not have reached the quality of blastocyst, but the doctor froze them anyway) or at least use whatever survives the thawing process - if all 4 survive, all of them are being transferred. If we aren't successful during that cycle, we are changing doctors and using the fertility clinic that is affiliated with Dr. M's office and hospital. She said that there are two doctors there - one man and one woman. She told me that she has had some patients who have had issues with the female doctor - apparently they don't like her personality. I told Dr. M that I don't really care about her personality - I care if she can get me knocked up! So, I have a plan that I am ready to implement, and while I was drained from the appointment, it felt good to have been able to discuss everything with Dr. M and know that I have her support.

Then, we had a gathering on my floor today - wine and snacks served in honor of the holiday and I noticed that my partner in crime at work asked for the non-alcoholic wine... And I couldn't help but look at her stomach and noticed that it seems bigger (although, in her defense, she is VERY thin, so it could have just been her lunch!), so after we got back to our desks, I asked her and she confirmed that she is pregnant. She hasn't even been to the doctor yet. I didn't ask when she got her positive - I know that she and her husband have been trying for a few months and I know she has been disappointed to get her period a few times. She will be going to the doctor in the middle of January - she says it doesn't even feel real yet. I think she is relieved that I figured it out and she won't have to find a way to tell me. And, while I am really happy for her and I told her so, I am also insanely jealous, which I also told her. She hasn't even told her family yet. They are going to be thrilled, just like I am for her. I just wish it were me, too. And since she hasn't told anyone at work yet, I can't exactly say anything to anyone there, so when DH e-mailed to tell me that his dad had some questions for me about the Christmas presents I bought for them to give to us and asked me how my day was going, I told him that it had gone to shit as soon as I figured out that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, as soon as he e-mailed me, he logged off, so he never got that e-mail, so I got to tell him in person, right before I started crying (again).

And then the stress headache came, so even though I am SO tired, I couldn't fall asleep because I was crying, my nose was running and my neck and head were killing me. The ibuprofin finally kicked in and I realized that the nausea that I was feeling may have actually been due to hunger and not pain, so I came down to get something to eat, so my poor DH can try to get some sleep without me sobbing into my pillow next to him. And here I sit, telling you about my broken heart (or broken uterus), trying to get it all out of my system so I can try to get some sleep so I am not a cranky bitch on Christmas... I shouldn't be too cranky (except for this) I know I am getting some GREAT gifts from my mil, fil & hopefully bil, since I bought their gifts to me. My mil was in a nursing home for rehabilitation after falling and fracturing her elbow and cracking her pelvis (sorry if I am repeating myself - it's late and I have had a long day and I don't have the energy to go back to see if I already told you about this), so I did almost all of her Christmas shopping for my DH, his daughter, my bil and myself. I can't wait to open all of those Cricut cartridges they got me! :) And my bil was out shopping on Saturday and was having some trouble finding something for me, so I told him that I would sell him the remaining cartridge that his parents weren't giving me, if it wasn't over his budget. Happily, it isn't over his budget and I told him that he could go to the tea store in one of the local malls and get me a gift card, so I could get more tea or one of the tea pots I saw there. He isn't the greatest gift buyer for me - he tries, but I am waiting another few months before I put last year's present up on ebay!

Well, I think I will try to go to sleep again. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and that Santa brings you everything that you hoped for.