The last time I spoke to the nurse, she figured that I would get my period at the end of November and the end of December, so I figured I would take those two months off and be in time for the January IVF cycle and we would use what we froze after the last cycle. So, when I got my period almost exactly 28 days after my miscarriage, I was surprised and then again 28 days later. Apparently that is unusual! I was still not quite prepared to get back into the stirups, so I didn't call the doctor's office until this week for a review of the failed IVF and the pow wow about what we will do next. The doctor will be having surgery and will return around the middle of January, so I have an appointment on January 29th to discuss what is next. So, once again, I am being forced to skip at least one cycle (January) and my bet is that we will have to skip February, too, since I don't see much of a way to get me ready for a cycle in a couple of weeks, but what can I do? I think after this cycle with this doctor, we will be going to a new clinic. I will be seeing my OB/GYN this week and will be talking to her about that (unless she is delivering a baby, in which case I will be crying to a completely new doctor, which I am sure will go over REALLY well!)
This will be the 4th appointment that I have scheduled with the OB since this summer. My first appointment would have been the week I was having the IVF, so both doctors offices told me to change the appointment, so I did - to the day before Thanksgiving. When we arrived for that appointment, we were told that the doctor was in surgery and there was no one else and we tried to call you... So, I was given a new appointment for December 16th. Who would have thought that my period would be regular??? But, it arrived on the 15th, so I had to call to cancel. I was told that it was too bad that I had to cancel, since my doctor is booking into March. I told her that it was too bad that I was going back to have another IVF next month, so March wouldn't work and it needed to be this month. It was amazing how quickly she found me an appointment on the 23rd! Of course, my doctor will be on call and there are probably loads of women who will be giving birth, just in time for Christmas, but of course that won't be me...
Amazingly enough, I just finished my Christmas cards last night. Ok, so I really started them last night - we went to the store, picked out a picture and for the first year ever, our family is sending out a photo Christmas card. I was hoping to use a nice picture taken of us in front of Cinderella's castle at night, but the only ones of just us were in the rain and we were kind of dressed in parts of our Halloween costumes, so I nixed that one! We got them printed, addressed and stamped 5 days before Christmas! We have gotten some really depressing ones this year (depressing for me, not for the people sending them). One with lots of pictures of my friend's baby in it and a request for me to call her, since I love talking to people about my inability to get pregnant. Then there is the one from DH's cousin - the husband's hand is on the quickly expanding pregnant belly of his wife. Then, from DH's aunt and uncle, the picture of them, their 6 children and eight grandchildren. The card they sent to my MIL & FIL is just of the two of them with all 8 grandkids with a note about 8 angels and more to come in 2009. I know it isn't meant to be a slap in the face, but it sure feels like one. That is the same aunt who, at our wedding, told me that she expected to be invited to a baby shower soon. That was two and a half years ago. We were REALLY hoping to be pregnant and able to share the news AT our wedding, but we can all see how well that worked out.
I was thinking about the whole situation yesterday, wondering if I should just give up the whole Baby Quest. As much as I don't want to, giving up just seems easier. No more shots, no more invasive doctor's appointments to start my day. No more throwing money downthe drain for something that may never happen... Especially in this economy. DH didn't work for half of October. He went back to work for two weeks before Thanksgiving and nothing since then and they think he may go back in the middle of January, but who knows. We think that my job is safe, but nothing is certain now. And I really don't think that DH would object to just stopping. He has to be sick of all of this. He is likely just going along because it is what I want to do. But, at the same time, I am not ready to give up yet. I thought that I wouldn't be able to do more than two cycles, but with knowing that cycles from frozen are less likely to be successful, I want one more might be successful cycle, which is why I will be talking to the doctor about going to their fertility clinic if the next cycle with my existing doctor fails.
I'm not sure how much I will be able to post during the holidays, although, I'm not sure how many people are following, but in case I don't get back until next weekend, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Now that it's over
I still find myself terribly jealous of people who effortlessly conceive. One of the girls that I work with just had a baby and we were entering a charity drawing and she was complaining that she has no money because she has a baby. Before I could stop myself, I told her that I have no money and still no baby to show for it. She knows someone who just had a baby and spent about $30 thousand to do it, so I think she understands, but it just bothers me. Appreciate that you have a healthy and beautiful baby. I would. I am having more good days than bad, though. I wasn't in the mood for Christmas anything a few weeks ago - I just wanted to hide from it all, since I was really hoping to send out ultrasound pictures with our Christmas cards, but the mood has started to infect me, which is a good thing, since my MIL is in the hospital, so I am taking care of as much of her Christmas shopping as I can.
I went to a craft fair last weekend, and was talking to the friend of a friend who has been having trouble. I knew about her trouble from my friend, but I don't know if she knew what we had been through. In many ways, I think her journey has been worse, though. She has endometriosis and had surgery to correct it a few years ago. She recently changed doctors and her new doctor told her that the old doctor didn't do what she said that she did in the surgery, so she had to have surgery again. This time it worked and she and her husband conceived on their own, only to lose the baby at 12 weeks. She is having a really hard time with the holidays and was going to seek out a support group to help her through.
I went to a craft fair last weekend, and was talking to the friend of a friend who has been having trouble. I knew about her trouble from my friend, but I don't know if she knew what we had been through. In many ways, I think her journey has been worse, though. She has endometriosis and had surgery to correct it a few years ago. She recently changed doctors and her new doctor told her that the old doctor didn't do what she said that she did in the surgery, so she had to have surgery again. This time it worked and she and her husband conceived on their own, only to lose the baby at 12 weeks. She is having a really hard time with the holidays and was going to seek out a support group to help her through.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Aftermath
I was lucky, I guess. Because I miscarried so early in my pregnancy, the miscarriage was much like a really heavy and long period. There were occasional twinges of discomfort, that could have been gas, but no real physical pain. Except for my heart breaking... I know people who have had miscarriages, and all of them mention the pain, although all of them were farther along than I was. I'm thankful for that, though. I wasn't home, so I would have been in a strange hospital with doctors I didn't know and I would have screwed up every one's vacation and I really didn't want to do that.
Every week I was going to have my blood drawn, waiting for the hcg levels to go down. It took over 5 weeks, but I was finally back to zero. Just in time for Thanksgiving and another period. RAH... DH and I talked about it and decided to wait until after the holidays to try again, although, I noticed mucus yesterday and we had sex on Friday and again yesterday, which were the first times since the IVF. He really wanted to have sex before my OB appointment on Wednesday, but I felt weird about going to the OB within hours of having sex... I would love to hear other people weigh in on that... I know the joke about the husband who wants to have sex, but the wife tells him she has a gynecologist's appointment in the morning, so he asks if she also has a dentist appointment... BTW, DH took a minute to get that joke - he is so cute!
Then we get to the doctor's office and she had just gone down for surgery. I was pretty pissed - they said they had tried to call, but they didn't have my cell phone number in their system correctly. So, I got put off until December 16th - In the middle of the day. I asked for a morning appointment or the last appointment of the day, but of course there wasn't anything available. I have to take more time off from work, but the thing that really upsets me is I had prepared myself to have to talk about the failed IUIs and the IVF and chemical pregnancy. I knew that I would cry, but I thought that I was ready and now I have to wait another two weeks and get myself ready again. It just pisses me off. But, if I had told her that I was pregnant, I am sure I could have gotten in sooner... I really wanted to change this appointment into a prenatal appointment.
And now we are in the thick of the holiday shopping season. My mil is in a rehabilitation nursing home. She fell at their house and wasn't cooperating with the hospital therapists, so they sent her to the nursing home. She doesn't take care of herself. She smokes, drinks tons on soda and is diabetic. She spends most of her day napping. When she fell, she fractured her elbow and they thought that she may have broken her hip, but, thankfully, she only cracked her pelvic bone. She will likely be in there for a few more weeks, but she hates it there. I worry about her going home, though, since she is having memory issues that could be dementia related to her diabetes not being under control or it could be Alzheimer's. She tells me that she will quit smoking when I get pregnant. After the IVF, she was still smoking, but she went into the hospital for breathing troubles and she did stop smoking for awhile, but says that since I'm not pregnant, she doesn't need to quit. And she doesn't understand why I get upset with her about that. She is killing herself, but she is smoking because I can't get pregnant. I just need to realize that she may not be around to see if we ever succeed, and that just makes me sad, since she had wanted another grandchild since I started dating DH.
Every week I was going to have my blood drawn, waiting for the hcg levels to go down. It took over 5 weeks, but I was finally back to zero. Just in time for Thanksgiving and another period. RAH... DH and I talked about it and decided to wait until after the holidays to try again, although, I noticed mucus yesterday and we had sex on Friday and again yesterday, which were the first times since the IVF. He really wanted to have sex before my OB appointment on Wednesday, but I felt weird about going to the OB within hours of having sex... I would love to hear other people weigh in on that... I know the joke about the husband who wants to have sex, but the wife tells him she has a gynecologist's appointment in the morning, so he asks if she also has a dentist appointment... BTW, DH took a minute to get that joke - he is so cute!
Then we get to the doctor's office and she had just gone down for surgery. I was pretty pissed - they said they had tried to call, but they didn't have my cell phone number in their system correctly. So, I got put off until December 16th - In the middle of the day. I asked for a morning appointment or the last appointment of the day, but of course there wasn't anything available. I have to take more time off from work, but the thing that really upsets me is I had prepared myself to have to talk about the failed IUIs and the IVF and chemical pregnancy. I knew that I would cry, but I thought that I was ready and now I have to wait another two weeks and get myself ready again. It just pisses me off. But, if I had told her that I was pregnant, I am sure I could have gotten in sooner... I really wanted to change this appointment into a prenatal appointment.
And now we are in the thick of the holiday shopping season. My mil is in a rehabilitation nursing home. She fell at their house and wasn't cooperating with the hospital therapists, so they sent her to the nursing home. She doesn't take care of herself. She smokes, drinks tons on soda and is diabetic. She spends most of her day napping. When she fell, she fractured her elbow and they thought that she may have broken her hip, but, thankfully, she only cracked her pelvic bone. She will likely be in there for a few more weeks, but she hates it there. I worry about her going home, though, since she is having memory issues that could be dementia related to her diabetes not being under control or it could be Alzheimer's. She tells me that she will quit smoking when I get pregnant. After the IVF, she was still smoking, but she went into the hospital for breathing troubles and she did stop smoking for awhile, but says that since I'm not pregnant, she doesn't need to quit. And she doesn't understand why I get upset with her about that. She is killing herself, but she is smoking because I can't get pregnant. I just need to realize that she may not be around to see if we ever succeed, and that just makes me sad, since she had wanted another grandchild since I started dating DH.
Friday, November 28, 2008
So, off I go to Orlando, my favorite place in the world, with a miscarriage waiting to happen. It's hard to be so terribly depressed when you are heading off to a trip that you have been looking forward to since DH said "Maybe we can go to Disney for Halloween next year." And all I really wanted to do was stay in bed and hide from my body's betrayal.
I always try to get to the airport early. You never know when the lines will take forever, so better safe than sorry. My BIL actually missed a flight because he showed up at the airport (post 9/11) half an hour before his flight was scheduled to leave. From the San Diego airport. Dumb ass. Our airport always seems to run pretty smoothly, but you never know, so early - always early. Got to the gate about an hour and a half before my flight. Got a couple of text messages from baby sister/friend, who was on her way to Orlando from her home. It sucked that we were both up so early, but we were just anxious to get to our other sister/friend and to Mickey! With all of the flights that they cancel, you would think that less people are flying, yet they still oversell the plane and then try to bribe you with free flights (sorry - not on the way TO Disney - catch me on the way home). The gate agent kept making announcements, telling us that we couldn't board the plane until they had enough volunteers giving up their seats. Now, my mood, not being the best, this REALLY pissed me off. I didn't fuck up and sell too many tickets. I showed up on time to check in, don't try to hold me hostage in this shit hole when I am trying so hard to get to my happy place and I really NEED my happy place right now... What I didn't know until later was that I could have taken the two free round trip tickets and the other flight arriving at 1:00 in Orlando, since another friend, who I was supposed to meet in Orlando, to see how her vacation with her daughter and boyfriend was, but since the bf is afraid to fly, she and her daughter were driving back with him. I could have taken their offer and made the gate agent shut up, but she didn't let me know that they were driving back until I called her from the airport. Oh, well...
Now, I find it funny that so many airports have turned into malls. The first one that I saw that had really gone mall was the Pittsburgh airport when I went there for my loser uncle's third wedding to be there with my grandmother. I had an hour and a half to kill before my grandma's flight arrived and I couldn't believe all of the stores - I had a great time shopping while I was waiting. I didn't buy anything - too expensive, but still fun to shop. Well, of course, Orlando's airport has every store from every tourist trap in the area and then some! K & I had an hour or so to kill before baby sis' flight landed, so we ate lunch and shopped - ok, browsed, not shopped. Have to save all of my money for Disney... Must support the stockholders. Oh, wait - I AM a stockholder... Well, then - must support myself... Over lunch I told her all about the visit to the doctor and how crappy it all was and she just let me get it out of my system. You see, little sis had been through miscarriages before... Three of them. But she also has three beautiful kids and had no trouble getting pregnant. Not that I am bitter. Much. Really. Much.
So little sis arrives and I didn't cry. Really - I didn't. And then we were off. Girl's weekend! First we were stamping, then we were off to Sonic (mmmm... Sonic) and then we watched True Blood. Little sis kept covering her eyes at the best parts - called it soft core porn, but I thought it was fantastic! Who knew that Rogue from X-Men and Sam from the Starter Wife could be so hot! Wow! Must get HBO for next season! Then sleep and off to brunch with their dad and then, FINALLY, to Disney! For little sis' birthday! We had a shirt made for her that said "Hey Mickey! It's my birthday!" And then we got her a birthday pin, so from the front or the back, you could see it was her birthday. Evil, I know! And I did that when I thought I was pregnant... I knew she wouldn't hit me if I was pregnant. She still didn't hit me.
Suffice it to say, that I needed to be with the girls for the weekend. When the heavy bleeding started, they didn't try to make me feel better - they were just there. but, as much as I enjoyed being with them, I missed my dh horribly. And when he finally arrived, I told him that. The girls said I needed them, but I REALLY needed him. He was the only one who would feel the loss nearly as much as I did. I know he had been more cautious about my being pregnant, but he knew how much I wanted to be pregnant and how caught up I had gotten and I think he felt bad that I had been let down, even though I was the one who let myself down. We had a nice trip and on the flight back, they overbooked again and as soon as they offered two round trip tickets, I took their offer. DH & the munchkin went home (in business class, thanks to me) and I got stuck in some hotel with no bathtub (completely shooting my plans for an evening spent in the tub) next to a Waffle House. Too bad my DH had all of the cash. No Waffle House omlet for me. but, I did get two free roundtrip tickets out of the deal. I called the doctor's office to move my appointment to later in the day, but their ultrasound techs leave at noon, so they squeezed me in the next morning. Blood draw and ultrasound - still nothing to see on the ultrasound, but my hcg levels had started to go down, but slowly and I was still bleeding - I was on day 8 when I went to the doctor. At least I didn't need to have a D&C. But, still, FUCK...
I always try to get to the airport early. You never know when the lines will take forever, so better safe than sorry. My BIL actually missed a flight because he showed up at the airport (post 9/11) half an hour before his flight was scheduled to leave. From the San Diego airport. Dumb ass. Our airport always seems to run pretty smoothly, but you never know, so early - always early. Got to the gate about an hour and a half before my flight. Got a couple of text messages from baby sister/friend, who was on her way to Orlando from her home. It sucked that we were both up so early, but we were just anxious to get to our other sister/friend and to Mickey! With all of the flights that they cancel, you would think that less people are flying, yet they still oversell the plane and then try to bribe you with free flights (sorry - not on the way TO Disney - catch me on the way home). The gate agent kept making announcements, telling us that we couldn't board the plane until they had enough volunteers giving up their seats. Now, my mood, not being the best, this REALLY pissed me off. I didn't fuck up and sell too many tickets. I showed up on time to check in, don't try to hold me hostage in this shit hole when I am trying so hard to get to my happy place and I really NEED my happy place right now... What I didn't know until later was that I could have taken the two free round trip tickets and the other flight arriving at 1:00 in Orlando, since another friend, who I was supposed to meet in Orlando, to see how her vacation with her daughter and boyfriend was, but since the bf is afraid to fly, she and her daughter were driving back with him. I could have taken their offer and made the gate agent shut up, but she didn't let me know that they were driving back until I called her from the airport. Oh, well...
Now, I find it funny that so many airports have turned into malls. The first one that I saw that had really gone mall was the Pittsburgh airport when I went there for my loser uncle's third wedding to be there with my grandmother. I had an hour and a half to kill before my grandma's flight arrived and I couldn't believe all of the stores - I had a great time shopping while I was waiting. I didn't buy anything - too expensive, but still fun to shop. Well, of course, Orlando's airport has every store from every tourist trap in the area and then some! K & I had an hour or so to kill before baby sis' flight landed, so we ate lunch and shopped - ok, browsed, not shopped. Have to save all of my money for Disney... Must support the stockholders. Oh, wait - I AM a stockholder... Well, then - must support myself... Over lunch I told her all about the visit to the doctor and how crappy it all was and she just let me get it out of my system. You see, little sis had been through miscarriages before... Three of them. But she also has three beautiful kids and had no trouble getting pregnant. Not that I am bitter. Much. Really. Much.
So little sis arrives and I didn't cry. Really - I didn't. And then we were off. Girl's weekend! First we were stamping, then we were off to Sonic (mmmm... Sonic) and then we watched True Blood. Little sis kept covering her eyes at the best parts - called it soft core porn, but I thought it was fantastic! Who knew that Rogue from X-Men and Sam from the Starter Wife could be so hot! Wow! Must get HBO for next season! Then sleep and off to brunch with their dad and then, FINALLY, to Disney! For little sis' birthday! We had a shirt made for her that said "Hey Mickey! It's my birthday!" And then we got her a birthday pin, so from the front or the back, you could see it was her birthday. Evil, I know! And I did that when I thought I was pregnant... I knew she wouldn't hit me if I was pregnant. She still didn't hit me.
Suffice it to say, that I needed to be with the girls for the weekend. When the heavy bleeding started, they didn't try to make me feel better - they were just there. but, as much as I enjoyed being with them, I missed my dh horribly. And when he finally arrived, I told him that. The girls said I needed them, but I REALLY needed him. He was the only one who would feel the loss nearly as much as I did. I know he had been more cautious about my being pregnant, but he knew how much I wanted to be pregnant and how caught up I had gotten and I think he felt bad that I had been let down, even though I was the one who let myself down. We had a nice trip and on the flight back, they overbooked again and as soon as they offered two round trip tickets, I took their offer. DH & the munchkin went home (in business class, thanks to me) and I got stuck in some hotel with no bathtub (completely shooting my plans for an evening spent in the tub) next to a Waffle House. Too bad my DH had all of the cash. No Waffle House omlet for me. but, I did get two free roundtrip tickets out of the deal. I called the doctor's office to move my appointment to later in the day, but their ultrasound techs leave at noon, so they squeezed me in the next morning. Blood draw and ultrasound - still nothing to see on the ultrasound, but my hcg levels had started to go down, but slowly and I was still bleeding - I was on day 8 when I went to the doctor. At least I didn't need to have a D&C. But, still, FUCK...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Ultrasound
Friday morning I went to the doctor's office. First they sent me to have more blood drawn and then it was upstairs for the ultrasound. They called me back and I assumed the position and waited for the doctor and the ultrasound tech. I expected to be waiting for awhile, but to my surprise, they came in pretty quickly. Then the wand went where the wand goes and they started looking around. And saw nothing. No egg sac, nothing. They looked everywhere, to see if it was maybe ectopic, but couldn't spot anything. And they kept looking. And it felt like they were trying to move the wand sideways, but still - nothing. They they did the external ultrasound and, guess what? Nothing. Finally, they were done with me, told me to get dressed and they would talk to me. What was there to talk about? They found nothing. Clearly there was nothing to talk about.
I wasn't in the consult room for long when Dr. K and the nurse came in. He reviewed what we knew. My numbers had plateaued and there was so egg sac in or around the uterus that they could see. They gave me my options. The meds to make me miscarry, a D&C or we could just let me miscarry on my own. Great choices. My choice should have been where to have a baby, not where not to have a baby. I reminded them that I was leaving for vacation the next morning and told them that I would prefer to just miscarry on my own. Dr. K asked when I would be back, so I told him that I would be back in 10 days. He told me that he was still a bit concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. I asked what the chances were of an ectopic pregnancy causing anything to burst in the next 10 days and he said 10%. I told him that I was going on vacation and I would be back for a scan the day I came back, since 10% wasn't going to stop me. He was also kind enough to inform me that what happened to me only happens in 1% of patients. Lovely... Lucky me - 1%. I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't. He gave me the name of a doctor that he knows at a hospital near Disney World - the hospital that I would go to if something happened while I was there. They also gave me a copy of the hcg levels and the dates of those numbers, so any doctor looking at them would understand where I was in the pregnancy when the numbers started to go wonky.
I left their office and sat in my car and cried. I texted dh to let him know that we didn't see anything, so, of course, he called and all I could do was cry. Normally, this close to a Disney vacation, I can barely sit still - I am so excited, but now, I just don't even want to go... Not a great vacation - go to Disney to have a miscarriage... Not the plan I had for the week. And then I had to go to work. FUCK... Not what I wanted to deal with, but I couldn't call in - I had the next six days off - I couldn't not go. FUCK... Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go. RAH.
I made it through most of the day without crying at anyone, until my partner in crime came into work and asked if I was having a good day or a bad day. I just shook my head, because it was all I could do... She came over and gave me a hug and started telling me funny stories to make me laugh instead of cry. She is really good at that! It never fails - I can always count on R! But then I sank back into my funk, since we both had work to do. When DH was done with work he called - I figured that he would be leaving for hunting, but he told me that he wanted to wait until I got home, so he could at least see me before he left. Say it with me.... AAAWWWW! It was really sweet of him, especially since I know how badly he wanted to go hunting and most of the time he would leave work at noon to go hunting. And I know plenty of hunters who would have left their wives in the same situation, so I was grateful that he waited the extra hour or so. Not that I could talk when I got home. And I was so attractive with the uncontrollable sobbing. But, I sent him on his way, cried some more and then packed and repacked and repacked again for my trip to Disney. I made sure to pack panty liners and pads of every size, but no tampons, since the nurse had specifically told me, no tampons.
And then I tried to sleep. My alarm was set for 5:00 am, since my ride was coming around 6, but with no DH and no dog at home, I had trouble falling asleep. I have friends who either live alone now or have lived alone. I have never lived alone. I don't think I could live alone. When I am alone (or just the dog is home) I talk to myself (or the dog). The silence creeps me out. Last year, when DH went hunting (but the dog was home with me) I was watching a creepy episode of Doctor Who (the one with the weeping angel statues... shiver...) and I swear that I heard someone walking around upstairs, but the dog was in the room with me... Creeped me out - I had a terrible time falling asleep that night... Anyways, no DH and he had taken the dog, so I was all alone in the house and as tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up before the alarm went off at 5! I dragged my bags downstairs and showered and while I was still getting dressed, my phone rang. My friend was already in front of the house and really needed the rest room! She didn't think of ringing the doorbell, I guess! So, off I was, to the airport.
I wasn't in the consult room for long when Dr. K and the nurse came in. He reviewed what we knew. My numbers had plateaued and there was so egg sac in or around the uterus that they could see. They gave me my options. The meds to make me miscarry, a D&C or we could just let me miscarry on my own. Great choices. My choice should have been where to have a baby, not where not to have a baby. I reminded them that I was leaving for vacation the next morning and told them that I would prefer to just miscarry on my own. Dr. K asked when I would be back, so I told him that I would be back in 10 days. He told me that he was still a bit concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. I asked what the chances were of an ectopic pregnancy causing anything to burst in the next 10 days and he said 10%. I told him that I was going on vacation and I would be back for a scan the day I came back, since 10% wasn't going to stop me. He was also kind enough to inform me that what happened to me only happens in 1% of patients. Lovely... Lucky me - 1%. I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't. He gave me the name of a doctor that he knows at a hospital near Disney World - the hospital that I would go to if something happened while I was there. They also gave me a copy of the hcg levels and the dates of those numbers, so any doctor looking at them would understand where I was in the pregnancy when the numbers started to go wonky.
I left their office and sat in my car and cried. I texted dh to let him know that we didn't see anything, so, of course, he called and all I could do was cry. Normally, this close to a Disney vacation, I can barely sit still - I am so excited, but now, I just don't even want to go... Not a great vacation - go to Disney to have a miscarriage... Not the plan I had for the week. And then I had to go to work. FUCK... Not what I wanted to deal with, but I couldn't call in - I had the next six days off - I couldn't not go. FUCK... Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go. RAH.
I made it through most of the day without crying at anyone, until my partner in crime came into work and asked if I was having a good day or a bad day. I just shook my head, because it was all I could do... She came over and gave me a hug and started telling me funny stories to make me laugh instead of cry. She is really good at that! It never fails - I can always count on R! But then I sank back into my funk, since we both had work to do. When DH was done with work he called - I figured that he would be leaving for hunting, but he told me that he wanted to wait until I got home, so he could at least see me before he left. Say it with me.... AAAWWWW! It was really sweet of him, especially since I know how badly he wanted to go hunting and most of the time he would leave work at noon to go hunting. And I know plenty of hunters who would have left their wives in the same situation, so I was grateful that he waited the extra hour or so. Not that I could talk when I got home. And I was so attractive with the uncontrollable sobbing. But, I sent him on his way, cried some more and then packed and repacked and repacked again for my trip to Disney. I made sure to pack panty liners and pads of every size, but no tampons, since the nurse had specifically told me, no tampons.
And then I tried to sleep. My alarm was set for 5:00 am, since my ride was coming around 6, but with no DH and no dog at home, I had trouble falling asleep. I have friends who either live alone now or have lived alone. I have never lived alone. I don't think I could live alone. When I am alone (or just the dog is home) I talk to myself (or the dog). The silence creeps me out. Last year, when DH went hunting (but the dog was home with me) I was watching a creepy episode of Doctor Who (the one with the weeping angel statues... shiver...) and I swear that I heard someone walking around upstairs, but the dog was in the room with me... Creeped me out - I had a terrible time falling asleep that night... Anyways, no DH and he had taken the dog, so I was all alone in the house and as tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up before the alarm went off at 5! I dragged my bags downstairs and showered and while I was still getting dressed, my phone rang. My friend was already in front of the house and really needed the rest room! She didn't think of ringing the doorbell, I guess! So, off I was, to the airport.
Apparently barren
Thursday repeated the same routine as before. Get up early to go have blood drawn before I go to work. This week was my favorite phelbotomist's week of vacation, so I had someone new poking holes in me. It amazes me how people can have to be at work at 6 am and still be so nice. I am not a morning person, so I don't end up being to cheerful until about 11:30. And now that I have given up caffeine, I may not be cheerful then, either. There are people that I know who think that the words good and morning go together... And they are smiling and happy when they say it! I have a hard time understanding people like that. I guess if I slept, I might be a morning person, but about the only time I am happy in the morning is when I am at Disney World! So the new blood sucker was very nice - not a person you feel grumpy while talking to, no matter how much you hate mornings. Then off to work I went.
Around 3:30 the phone rang. It was the nurse and my number was 351. How do you not cry when you hear that instead of something in the 500 range at this point. I asked what that meant and that was when she said that it was only a chemical pregnancy. ONLY? It may clinically ONLY be a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was a pregnancy. No qualifiers. I was pregnant. They had scheduled me for an ultrasound for Friday morning, so we could try to see the egg sac, but now they just wanted to see if there was anything in the uterus or if it was an ectopic pregnancy. The nurse told me that Dr. K wanted to be there, so even though my appointment was at 8:30, the doctor might not get there until 9, but that they would get me out as soon as possible. I ran to the bathroom and just sobbed. I was so angry at how casual it all sounded coming from the nurse and how badly I wanted them to be wrong, and how my heart hurt in my chest and it hurt to breath and I wanted to throw up all at the same time. And I wondered what I had done wrong. My mother used to tell me I couldn't do anything right and it appears that she was right. I can't even do the most natural thing that women do (besides bitch, of course). My dh had his vasectomy reversed for nothing. And yet, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I just couldn't talk about it, so I texted dh to tell him. And as soon as he could, he called. And I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. After that, I texted my sister/friends, telling them the number and telling them that I didn't want to talk. If I hadn't told them that, they would have been on the phone right away and I just couldn't take that. And then I e-mailed my boss to tell her that I know I told you that I would be in by 9:30 tomorrow, but I might be late. She e-mailed me to ask if everything was ok and I told her that I didn't know, which is why I needed to see the doctor and she let it drop.
That night, I was trying to go to sleep and I couldn't. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I woke my poor dh up with my sobbing. He rubbed my back, but all I could do was cry more and now I felt even worse, because I was keeping him up, too. How could I explain to him what this all felt like? How hopeful I had been and how sad, hurt and angry I am that nothing was working. And how angry I am that it seems to easy for so many people around me, who then bitch about their kids or drop them off at their parent's house at every chance and that some of the worst parents I know were able to have kids and here I am, apparently barren. He might be able to understand some of it, but he already has a child - he knows that nothing is wrong with him. It's me who is broken and this whole process is just breaking me even more. How can he understand how it feels for me to see a pregnant woman or see someone with a baby or even hear people talking about their babies? He has one, and I am so jealous of him that sometimes I can't even stand it and how petty is that? How could he so easily have a baby with his ex-wife and not with me. And then I wonder if I wasted 15 years being on the birth control pill. Maybe I didn't need it after all.
Around 3:30 the phone rang. It was the nurse and my number was 351. How do you not cry when you hear that instead of something in the 500 range at this point. I asked what that meant and that was when she said that it was only a chemical pregnancy. ONLY? It may clinically ONLY be a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was a pregnancy. No qualifiers. I was pregnant. They had scheduled me for an ultrasound for Friday morning, so we could try to see the egg sac, but now they just wanted to see if there was anything in the uterus or if it was an ectopic pregnancy. The nurse told me that Dr. K wanted to be there, so even though my appointment was at 8:30, the doctor might not get there until 9, but that they would get me out as soon as possible. I ran to the bathroom and just sobbed. I was so angry at how casual it all sounded coming from the nurse and how badly I wanted them to be wrong, and how my heart hurt in my chest and it hurt to breath and I wanted to throw up all at the same time. And I wondered what I had done wrong. My mother used to tell me I couldn't do anything right and it appears that she was right. I can't even do the most natural thing that women do (besides bitch, of course). My dh had his vasectomy reversed for nothing. And yet, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I just couldn't talk about it, so I texted dh to tell him. And as soon as he could, he called. And I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. After that, I texted my sister/friends, telling them the number and telling them that I didn't want to talk. If I hadn't told them that, they would have been on the phone right away and I just couldn't take that. And then I e-mailed my boss to tell her that I know I told you that I would be in by 9:30 tomorrow, but I might be late. She e-mailed me to ask if everything was ok and I told her that I didn't know, which is why I needed to see the doctor and she let it drop.
That night, I was trying to go to sleep and I couldn't. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I woke my poor dh up with my sobbing. He rubbed my back, but all I could do was cry more and now I felt even worse, because I was keeping him up, too. How could I explain to him what this all felt like? How hopeful I had been and how sad, hurt and angry I am that nothing was working. And how angry I am that it seems to easy for so many people around me, who then bitch about their kids or drop them off at their parent's house at every chance and that some of the worst parents I know were able to have kids and here I am, apparently barren. He might be able to understand some of it, but he already has a child - he knows that nothing is wrong with him. It's me who is broken and this whole process is just breaking me even more. How can he understand how it feels for me to see a pregnant woman or see someone with a baby or even hear people talking about their babies? He has one, and I am so jealous of him that sometimes I can't even stand it and how petty is that? How could he so easily have a baby with his ex-wife and not with me. And then I wonder if I wasted 15 years being on the birth control pill. Maybe I didn't need it after all.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Blood draw
The next morning, I got up early, so I could get my blood drawn and still make it to work on time. I have to tell you - I love the phlebotomist who is there early in the morning. She is so cheerful and nice and no matter how many patients she sees, she always remembers me. No matter how down I may be feeling, she never fails to make me smile. And that day was no exception. She chatted with me about my upcoming vacation and her upcoming vacation and I didn't even tell her that I thought the blood test was pointless, because I knew that she had been rooting for us to succeed. I nearly called the doctor's office to tell them that they didn't have to call when the test was negative - I already knew, but I just couldn't make that call. I spent the day cringing every time the phone rang and struggling not to cry. I had some very light spotting, but I didn't have more blood like I had been having.
And then the phone rang. Now, I am not one of those people who can leave a phone to ring and go into voicemail, so I answered and it was the less favorite of the nurses. And she is always so cheerful. She asked me how I was doing and I told her not too good, since I knew what the results of the test were. And that was when she told me that my hcg level was 14.4. She called it a low positive and I couldn't believe it. I asked her if she was sure and then I asked her what that meant - I mean, did it mean I was a little pregnant or not pregnant or what? She told me that under 2 was negative, but over 25 was positive and I was somewhere in between. She told me that we should be cautiously optimistic and that she wanted me in on Wednesday for another blood draw. At that point, I would have given gallons if she had asked me to! I couldn't believe it! I was almost pregnant! I spent the rest of the day talking to my uterus every chance I got. Telling the babies that they could do it and telling them that we wanted them so badly.
That night, even though my step daughter should have been with her mom, she was home and needed to go shopping for jeans and DH was in class, so I took her. While we were wandering the mall my sister/friend called - she is a nurse and she used to work Labor and Delivery, but now she works in the Cardiac unit. She yelled at me for being out at the mall and told me to go home and put my feet up and drink plenty of water, to keep my uterus hydrated! I told her we had a little more to do, but then I would. She told me that she had seen people start out with lower numbers than that and have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies, so not to worry. A pair of jeans, a pair of capris and a winter coat later, we headed home, where I got a glass of water and planted myself on the couch.
Wednesday I went early again and got P, the fabulous phlebotomist. We chatted, she took blood and I was off to work, floating on air, still talking to my uterus, telling the babies that they had alot to look forward to after they were born. I anxiously waited for the nurse to call with more numbers for me to google! And then she did. Today's level was 44. I had more than tripled in two days. She said that it was good, so she wanted me to come back on Friday for more blood work. I was really going to keep the vampires in the basement of the hospital happy this week, but I was ok with that. I was now firmly over 25, which meant I was pregnant! I didn't go crazy - I didn't buy myself a maternity wardrobe or anything, but I found my hand resting on my stomach more and more and I wasn't as grumpy about feeling fat. After all, I wasn't just fat - I was pregnant! Originally, I had been scheduled for my annual exam with my OB, but when we realized when my IVF cycle was going to happen, I called to change the appointment, since they didn't want to risk anything happening this early in the game. When I changed my appointment, I made it for the day before Thanksgiving, figuring that it could easily be turned into a prenatal appointment from an annual exam. And then I pooped again and there was blood again. It made my stomach lurch, but I had my rising hcg levels. They had tripled in two days when they want them to double in three. That was good!
Friday's levels were 134! I had tripled in two days again! So I asked. When can we use the "p" word? And the nurse said that we could use it after we had seen the heart beat. When my LD sister hear that, she disagreed - she told me that I was pregnant now, they were just being cautious. She knew that the following Friday I would be having my first ultrasound and she called to make sure that I didn't think that I would see a heartbeat then, since it would be too soon. I told her that I knew that, but I was expecting to see the sac, firmly implanted in my uterus, which meant no roller coasters for me at Disney! And she said that she didn't care if we sat by the pool the whole time, as long as we were together and I was pregnant!
We went out of town to visit friends for the weekend, and, as hard as it was, I didn't tell them that I was pregnant. They knew that we were doing fertility treatments, though and I told them that we had progressed to IVF and were hopeful and then Monday I went back for more blood to be drawn. Now, I am a geek. I had been trying to figure out how the numbers should go. If I was tripling every two days, and these blood draws were three days apart, my number should have been in the mid to high 400s. When the nurse called to tell me that the number was 257, I wasn't thrilled, but I had almost doubled in three days, so maybe I was leveling out. At least that is what I hoped and they scheduled me for another blood draw on Thursday.
Tuesday night, I went to have acupuncture and M liked what he felt in my pulse. He said that it was the strongest slippery pulse he had felt on me yet, and that the tripling numbers could mean that I was having twins (he was particularly happy about that, since he is a twin!) and he wasn't too worried about doubling over the weekend - he was just happy for me! Weren't we all at that point?
And then the phone rang. Now, I am not one of those people who can leave a phone to ring and go into voicemail, so I answered and it was the less favorite of the nurses. And she is always so cheerful. She asked me how I was doing and I told her not too good, since I knew what the results of the test were. And that was when she told me that my hcg level was 14.4. She called it a low positive and I couldn't believe it. I asked her if she was sure and then I asked her what that meant - I mean, did it mean I was a little pregnant or not pregnant or what? She told me that under 2 was negative, but over 25 was positive and I was somewhere in between. She told me that we should be cautiously optimistic and that she wanted me in on Wednesday for another blood draw. At that point, I would have given gallons if she had asked me to! I couldn't believe it! I was almost pregnant! I spent the rest of the day talking to my uterus every chance I got. Telling the babies that they could do it and telling them that we wanted them so badly.
That night, even though my step daughter should have been with her mom, she was home and needed to go shopping for jeans and DH was in class, so I took her. While we were wandering the mall my sister/friend called - she is a nurse and she used to work Labor and Delivery, but now she works in the Cardiac unit. She yelled at me for being out at the mall and told me to go home and put my feet up and drink plenty of water, to keep my uterus hydrated! I told her we had a little more to do, but then I would. She told me that she had seen people start out with lower numbers than that and have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies, so not to worry. A pair of jeans, a pair of capris and a winter coat later, we headed home, where I got a glass of water and planted myself on the couch.
Wednesday I went early again and got P, the fabulous phlebotomist. We chatted, she took blood and I was off to work, floating on air, still talking to my uterus, telling the babies that they had alot to look forward to after they were born. I anxiously waited for the nurse to call with more numbers for me to google! And then she did. Today's level was 44. I had more than tripled in two days. She said that it was good, so she wanted me to come back on Friday for more blood work. I was really going to keep the vampires in the basement of the hospital happy this week, but I was ok with that. I was now firmly over 25, which meant I was pregnant! I didn't go crazy - I didn't buy myself a maternity wardrobe or anything, but I found my hand resting on my stomach more and more and I wasn't as grumpy about feeling fat. After all, I wasn't just fat - I was pregnant! Originally, I had been scheduled for my annual exam with my OB, but when we realized when my IVF cycle was going to happen, I called to change the appointment, since they didn't want to risk anything happening this early in the game. When I changed my appointment, I made it for the day before Thanksgiving, figuring that it could easily be turned into a prenatal appointment from an annual exam. And then I pooped again and there was blood again. It made my stomach lurch, but I had my rising hcg levels. They had tripled in two days when they want them to double in three. That was good!
Friday's levels were 134! I had tripled in two days again! So I asked. When can we use the "p" word? And the nurse said that we could use it after we had seen the heart beat. When my LD sister hear that, she disagreed - she told me that I was pregnant now, they were just being cautious. She knew that the following Friday I would be having my first ultrasound and she called to make sure that I didn't think that I would see a heartbeat then, since it would be too soon. I told her that I knew that, but I was expecting to see the sac, firmly implanted in my uterus, which meant no roller coasters for me at Disney! And she said that she didn't care if we sat by the pool the whole time, as long as we were together and I was pregnant!
We went out of town to visit friends for the weekend, and, as hard as it was, I didn't tell them that I was pregnant. They knew that we were doing fertility treatments, though and I told them that we had progressed to IVF and were hopeful and then Monday I went back for more blood to be drawn. Now, I am a geek. I had been trying to figure out how the numbers should go. If I was tripling every two days, and these blood draws were three days apart, my number should have been in the mid to high 400s. When the nurse called to tell me that the number was 257, I wasn't thrilled, but I had almost doubled in three days, so maybe I was leveling out. At least that is what I hoped and they scheduled me for another blood draw on Thursday.
Tuesday night, I went to have acupuncture and M liked what he felt in my pulse. He said that it was the strongest slippery pulse he had felt on me yet, and that the tripling numbers could mean that I was having twins (he was particularly happy about that, since he is a twin!) and he wasn't too worried about doubling over the weekend - he was just happy for me! Weren't we all at that point?
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