Ultrasound

Friday morning I went to the doctor's office. First they sent me to have more blood drawn and then it was upstairs for the ultrasound. They called me back and I assumed the position and waited for the doctor and the ultrasound tech. I expected to be waiting for awhile, but to my surprise, they came in pretty quickly. Then the wand went where the wand goes and they started looking around. And saw nothing. No egg sac, nothing. They looked everywhere, to see if it was maybe ectopic, but couldn't spot anything. And they kept looking. And it felt like they were trying to move the wand sideways, but still - nothing. They they did the external ultrasound and, guess what? Nothing. Finally, they were done with me, told me to get dressed and they would talk to me. What was there to talk about? They found nothing. Clearly there was nothing to talk about.



I wasn't in the consult room for long when Dr. K and the nurse came in. He reviewed what we knew. My numbers had plateaued and there was so egg sac in or around the uterus that they could see. They gave me my options. The meds to make me miscarry, a D&C or we could just let me miscarry on my own. Great choices. My choice should have been where to have a baby, not where not to have a baby. I reminded them that I was leaving for vacation the next morning and told them that I would prefer to just miscarry on my own. Dr. K asked when I would be back, so I told him that I would be back in 10 days. He told me that he was still a bit concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. I asked what the chances were of an ectopic pregnancy causing anything to burst in the next 10 days and he said 10%. I told him that I was going on vacation and I would be back for a scan the day I came back, since 10% wasn't going to stop me. He was also kind enough to inform me that what happened to me only happens in 1% of patients. Lovely... Lucky me - 1%. I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't. He gave me the name of a doctor that he knows at a hospital near Disney World - the hospital that I would go to if something happened while I was there. They also gave me a copy of the hcg levels and the dates of those numbers, so any doctor looking at them would understand where I was in the pregnancy when the numbers started to go wonky.


I left their office and sat in my car and cried. I texted dh to let him know that we didn't see anything, so, of course, he called and all I could do was cry. Normally, this close to a Disney vacation, I can barely sit still - I am so excited, but now, I just don't even want to go... Not a great vacation - go to Disney to have a miscarriage... Not the plan I had for the week. And then I had to go to work. FUCK... Not what I wanted to deal with, but I couldn't call in - I had the next six days off - I couldn't not go. FUCK... Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go. RAH.

I made it through most of the day without crying at anyone, until my partner in crime came into work and asked if I was having a good day or a bad day. I just shook my head, because it was all I could do... She came over and gave me a hug and started telling me funny stories to make me laugh instead of cry. She is really good at that! It never fails - I can always count on R! But then I sank back into my funk, since we both had work to do. When DH was done with work he called - I figured that he would be leaving for hunting, but he told me that he wanted to wait until I got home, so he could at least see me before he left. Say it with me.... AAAWWWW! It was really sweet of him, especially since I know how badly he wanted to go hunting and most of the time he would leave work at noon to go hunting. And I know plenty of hunters who would have left their wives in the same situation, so I was grateful that he waited the extra hour or so. Not that I could talk when I got home. And I was so attractive with the uncontrollable sobbing. But, I sent him on his way, cried some more and then packed and repacked and repacked again for my trip to Disney. I made sure to pack panty liners and pads of every size, but no tampons, since the nurse had specifically told me, no tampons.

And then I tried to sleep. My alarm was set for 5:00 am, since my ride was coming around 6, but with no DH and no dog at home, I had trouble falling asleep. I have friends who either live alone now or have lived alone. I have never lived alone. I don't think I could live alone. When I am alone (or just the dog is home) I talk to myself (or the dog). The silence creeps me out. Last year, when DH went hunting (but the dog was home with me) I was watching a creepy episode of Doctor Who (the one with the weeping angel statues... shiver...) and I swear that I heard someone walking around upstairs, but the dog was in the room with me... Creeped me out - I had a terrible time falling asleep that night... Anyways, no DH and he had taken the dog, so I was all alone in the house and as tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up before the alarm went off at 5! I dragged my bags downstairs and showered and while I was still getting dressed, my phone rang. My friend was already in front of the house and really needed the rest room! She didn't think of ringing the doorbell, I guess! So, off I was, to the airport.