Apparently barren

Thursday repeated the same routine as before. Get up early to go have blood drawn before I go to work. This week was my favorite phelbotomist's week of vacation, so I had someone new poking holes in me. It amazes me how people can have to be at work at 6 am and still be so nice. I am not a morning person, so I don't end up being to cheerful until about 11:30. And now that I have given up caffeine, I may not be cheerful then, either. There are people that I know who think that the words good and morning go together... And they are smiling and happy when they say it! I have a hard time understanding people like that. I guess if I slept, I might be a morning person, but about the only time I am happy in the morning is when I am at Disney World! So the new blood sucker was very nice - not a person you feel grumpy while talking to, no matter how much you hate mornings. Then off to work I went.



Around 3:30 the phone rang. It was the nurse and my number was 351. How do you not cry when you hear that instead of something in the 500 range at this point. I asked what that meant and that was when she said that it was only a chemical pregnancy. ONLY? It may clinically ONLY be a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was a pregnancy. No qualifiers. I was pregnant. They had scheduled me for an ultrasound for Friday morning, so we could try to see the egg sac, but now they just wanted to see if there was anything in the uterus or if it was an ectopic pregnancy. The nurse told me that Dr. K wanted to be there, so even though my appointment was at 8:30, the doctor might not get there until 9, but that they would get me out as soon as possible. I ran to the bathroom and just sobbed. I was so angry at how casual it all sounded coming from the nurse and how badly I wanted them to be wrong, and how my heart hurt in my chest and it hurt to breath and I wanted to throw up all at the same time. And I wondered what I had done wrong. My mother used to tell me I couldn't do anything right and it appears that she was right. I can't even do the most natural thing that women do (besides bitch, of course). My dh had his vasectomy reversed for nothing. And yet, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. I just couldn't talk about it, so I texted dh to tell him. And as soon as he could, he called. And I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. After that, I texted my sister/friends, telling them the number and telling them that I didn't want to talk. If I hadn't told them that, they would have been on the phone right away and I just couldn't take that. And then I e-mailed my boss to tell her that I know I told you that I would be in by 9:30 tomorrow, but I might be late. She e-mailed me to ask if everything was ok and I told her that I didn't know, which is why I needed to see the doctor and she let it drop.

That night, I was trying to go to sleep and I couldn't. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I woke my poor dh up with my sobbing. He rubbed my back, but all I could do was cry more and now I felt even worse, because I was keeping him up, too. How could I explain to him what this all felt like? How hopeful I had been and how sad, hurt and angry I am that nothing was working. And how angry I am that it seems to easy for so many people around me, who then bitch about their kids or drop them off at their parent's house at every chance and that some of the worst parents I know were able to have kids and here I am, apparently barren. He might be able to understand some of it, but he already has a child - he knows that nothing is wrong with him. It's me who is broken and this whole process is just breaking me even more. How can he understand how it feels for me to see a pregnant woman or see someone with a baby or even hear people talking about their babies? He has one, and I am so jealous of him that sometimes I can't even stand it and how petty is that? How could he so easily have a baby with his ex-wife and not with me. And then I wonder if I wasted 15 years being on the birth control pill. Maybe I didn't need it after all.