More of the beginning

Funny how I never start journals when things are going well - I only start them when I am depressed... Ever notice that? Or do you faithfully journal, no matter what?

After all of the IUIs, medications, shots, ultrasounds, gallons of blood drawn and one IVF I finally got pregnant! And then the hcg levels stopped going up. And then they told me it was only a chemical pregnancy (maybe to them, but not to me). And then they sent me on vacation to have a miscarriage. Actually, the day before vacation they gave me the option of taking medication that would make me miscarry, scheduling a D&C or just leaving me to miscarry on my own. Even after not seeing an egg sac in my ultrasound, I couldn't take a prescription that would end my pregnancy. What if? What if, by some miracle, the sac was hiding and was ok? How could I ingest medication that would end my pregnancy? (enter the irony that I am pro choice). I asked what the chances were of an ectopic pregnancy bursting while I was on vacation. When Dr. K said 10%, I told him and the nurse that I was willing to take those odds.

So, off I went, to the happiest place on earth, to meet up with my friends (more like sisters, just no blood relation between me and them) for a long weekend and then my DH and his daughter would be joining me in time for my sissies to leave. The spotting started Saturday and the bleeding started on Monday and it all lasted for two weeks. When I saw the bleeding start, I just cried - stupidly hoping that by sheer force of my will, I could keep myself pregnant. HA. And now, when I go to the doctor's office, I can't get the early appointments any more. I'm no longer an infertility patient... I was pregnant for 5 weeks and lost it, so I am suddenly less infertile than I was before. Great. To me, I am an infertility patient until I have a successful pregnancy, but what do I know... This, plus some disagreements from this summer have me thinking about switching doctors, but it just seems like it would be counter productive to switch now. It's so frustrating.

And to make it worse, people at work keep getting pregnant. I just wish that the doctor could tell me why I am not getting pregnant. First they thought it was the fibroid, but then they removed that. Then they thought that washing the sperm would help (and all I could picture was a little person standing over a sink, washing the sperm - I know - twisted - I can't help it), but it didn't. Even if it was something they couldn't fix, I could deal with it and move onto other options.

Then there were the phone calls. My mil called my sil, so then my sil & bil called. I KNOW they were only trying to be nice and supportive, but it didn't help and I felt mean for even thinking that, so I couldn't tell them that their call didn't help. In fact, it just made things worse. And then my sil wanted to know why I hadn't called. I guess this isn't news that I would call to share. We hadn't even told them that we were pregnant, so why would we call to tell them that I had miscarried? I'm tired of trying to get people to stop trying to talk to me about it, especially on the phone, since I just start crying really hard and I can't even get the words out. At least if you are with me, you might be able to read my lips through the snot.