Once upon a time

I thought that would be a good way for me to start, but that REALLY doesn't do it for me. How about "In the beginning"? Nope. " Four score and seven years ago" Nope - I wasn't even born then... "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" Nope, George Lucas already used that one. I guess the fairy tale beginning wins.


Once upon a time, I thought that I never wanted to have children. My mother had been pretty crazy (not hippie crazy or fun crazy, I mean should have been under psychiatric care my whole life crazy) I was so scared of being a parent like her, that I thought that it would be better if I didn't have kids. Which, in my late teens and early twenties was fine! I made it through high school & college, my mother's suicide while I was in college and right after I graduated from college, I married the love of my life (or so I thought). And he didn't want kids, either, so we were a great fit for two kids who knew nothing (ok, so HE knew nothing... I knew EVERYTHING! ;-)) in our early twenties. And then my friend got pregnant and I thought "How nice for her - glad it isn't me." And then she had a miscarriage and we were all sad, since she would have been a great mom, but she had been told that she couldn't get pregnant, so she had proved the doctors wrong - isn't that great?!?! Fast forward from the early 90s to now and she is the mom of 4. And between her having her third and fourth, my clock started ticking...



So, this is my story... So far, the ending isn't the happy one I want, but we are still working on that. I've been inspired by some of the other blogs that I have read - wonderful and brave women who have shared their stories while making me laugh and cry along with their failures and successes. I've never been one to try to make people cry - I'm usually the one cracking a joke to make everyone laugh, but these days I don't really feel like laughing, so I don't mind having company when I cry. Just bring your own tissues, since I am running low.


I have some stuff written in my journal, so I will be starting to transfer all of that here. I just started it (I only seem to journal when I am upset, so all of mine are filled with angst - why doesn't he love me the way I love him... How much of a bitch is my mom - she is SO unfair... etc.) but my hand keeps cramping when I am writing, so typing seemed to be the way to go. I should have started earlier, so I wouldn't have forgotten dates and technical jargon, but I was always so hopeful that this time would be it and I could start my journal when I found out that I was pregnant and my baby could read about everything from the first day we knew.



Allons-y